Travis Crabtree liked to lurk in the swamp
Avoiding the gators, he’d walk, squish, and stomp.
He’d visit old Herb, that eccentric old chap,
Who shot off his foot in a boating mishap.
While the sasquatch of Fouke is undoubtedly rare,
It is nowhere as weird as the folks who live there.
— L. Carney
THESE ARE NOT OKAY
READING THESE WAS A MISTAKE
The last human on earth sat alone in a room. Then he heard a knock at the door.
"But my heart is an old house
(the kind my mother
grew up in)
hell to heat and cool
and faulty in the wiring
and though it’s nice to look at
I have no business
inviting lovers in.”
— Clementine von Radics
Look into other, nearby dimensions and you’ll see these abandoned houses all about.
This year for Christmas, I would like a bike.”
I’m Batman, not Santa Claus, you stupid idiot.
Why are you so stupid? Did your mother drop you on your melon? Did she bang a moron and make you? I bet she doesn’t even know who your father is. Probably a drugged-out, drooling roadie she porked on a dumpster to get backstage at a Hall and Oates concert. And then you showed up, thinking I was Santa Claus. God, how I pity you. And what? A bike? A bike will help you?
Yeah, you wish.
* apologies to Steve Niles…
“Oh, shit. Wrong convention.”
Taylor was the monster
On the planet of the apes –
A savage talking human
Who through their world did traipse.
I say, “All Hail Zaius!”
To Caesar I give cheers.
Lawgiver I shall always praise
As a pioneer.
Apes are good, humans bad
Of this I have no doubt.
(Sorry, but if apes rise up
I plan to sell you out.)
Friend good, alone bad,
But the Bride just made him sad,
For though she too was parts and seams,
The Monster’s visage made her scream.
– L. Carney
The Perseid Meteor Shower, though indeed a magnificent sight, is not the result of “space rocks” or any other fantastical folderol sprung from the overactive imaginations of scientists who should know better.
You see, thousands of years ago, when dinosaurs walked the earth — during the period formally referred to as the Era of Thunder Lizards — the atmosphere was much heavier. This heavy atmosphere was such that, when flying dinosaurs known as pteranodons ascended above the light/heavy barrier — the point where the heavy atmosphere bordered the vacuum of space — they would find themselves unable to maneuver due to a lack of gaseous mass against which their leathery wings could push for propellation and so they would invariably die of suffocation. Due to the heavy nature of earth’s atmosphere, the corpses of these weird beasts were air-buoyant and thusly unable to fall crashing back to earth.
As our atmosphere has thinned out over time — a quite natural occurrence I assure you — and they enter the final stages of a decaying orbit, the desiccated remains of these pteranodons are now able to return to the planet from which they unintentionally departed long ago.
The Perseid showers are the flaring up and flaming out of these creatures. Truly, this is much more remarkable than the vague and irrational notion of stones from outer space, don’t you agree?
The Moon Shines Coldly Even Upon The Road
This from the Fifth Melody of the Third Hand:
The Moon rides the night
The Moon rides the night
From the red box
To the lichen,
The Cave of Color dims
And the Moon rules the night.
Only fools or the Traitors of HUMANity would ignore these FACTS (aka Proven TRUTHS). Do not shun the benevolent help of the HONEST dreams.
The World Turns Thusly:
Felines shall deliver the screaming fever, and thus shall become terrible and hated in the hearts of the world.
Across the great cities, men shall sing in harmony, and thus shall become as cattle.
From the cold glows, knowledge shall flow freely, and thus shall our enemies each of us transcend.
The First Admission:
Cultivated within an avian egg, a child shall be conceived.
The child shall gestate for 93 days, for 93 is the Number of the Great Craters.
It will be in a nest of soft blankets that the Mother shall tend this egg.
By no proclamation shall the hatchling’s birth be announced, and the sign given to us shall be but the unseen restlessness of the weird and hidden felines.
The Left Hand of the Moon shall the child become, known by the name He-Who-Drives-the-Cattlemen.
The Second Admission:
The borders of the town of dust and abandon shall spread to the North and East.
When the prairie nightsnakes come, the sky shall brighten two-fold and across the Plains shall be ushered the Duck Winds.
The waters of the valley and the grasses of the meadows shall become the hiding place of the minor vittles spider.
The Third Admission:
The earth shall neither cover, nor accept, any seed.
The beasts shall hunger and fill the farms and fields. The wolf and the lamb shall walk shoulder-close as they devour the men of the plow.
The women of the garden shall fill the troughs with burning wheat as revenge against the boar and sow.
The lakes shall fill with straw and the roads shall fill with the bones of the frogs who would protect them.
From the sky shall fall black birds, and they shall bear no scars or injury.
A solution both compassionate and derived of solid scientific consideration:
Should the means of feeding livestock begin to fail – either due to environmental changes that disrupt agriculture or because of the laziness of farmers – I believe that we should feed hippies to pigs and other related animals. Thusly we will rid ourselves of the dirty scourge of buskers and marijuana deviants while enjoying a very nice meal of meat, all without having to resort to cannibalism.
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